it's what I want.

I love driving. period. It's probably a good thing that I have such an old car (I love chief aka my jeep) cause I like to drive "fast". =) But then again Chief has been an awesome tank. 

Going off on a tangent right now...

In conclusion I now have to "make my bed, and sleep in it." Learning from mistakes could not be any better for me right now. Oh I take that as a positive statement. In the end I tend to look back at past events, decisions, actions, and chuckle. Everything I've done is such a learning experience. It also turns into a domino effect too. I'm going to do things that are best for me. All these little events that happen, I have a habit of making it seem like it's a big deal. I'm just so darn sensitive. I'm trying to learn and soak up many things in my life time. I want to become a more intelligent lady. I want to make a difference in my life. I want to make things count. I want, I want, I want... I AM going to do it. =)

Another random section...

So I can't wait for next semester. Why? Well more peeps that I know are shifting gears to attend CSUF. How awesome is that! My personality is so "outgoing" and friendly. Why not use that to my advantage and make new friends. People who have stories instantly catch my attention. Even passionate people are what I am heavily drawn too. I'm trying to also say a hello to those I use to be friends with, may had a class, or recognize. I'm just trying to be a more warming person and not have that "bitchy" first impression that some have said in the past about me. I'm doing this for me.

Master of Disguise

I recently came to realize that these past two years my life is split into two identities. No I'm not being fake towards people, it just mainly has to do with the folks at home. It has turned into this bad habit of mine. I tell my parents I am doing one thing just cause I know that what I'm actually doing will not pass their evaluation. I have started this trend a while ago out of desperation. My parents (mom and step-dad) have no clue of all the raves I've attended, the 24 hour mini road trip to Santa Barbara for Halloween last year, all the times I said, "oh dad called me to help out with the kids" I was out in LA. clubbing. I have been also abusing the, "I'm at school studying or I have group projects this week" to simply stay out of the house for a hangout. It drives my off the wall having to ASK my parents for permission to go out. Seriously it is like pulling a bunch of teeth out to leave the house. I made an attempt to at least tell rather than ask my parents on what i am doing. That all just backfires 99.9% of the time. This habit doesn't seem to be vanishing anytime soon with my conservative parents having me on a leash. How sad is the thought of the only way there can be truly peace with my mom and I, is if I were to move out. 21 still feels like 16. 

21

It as almost been a month since that zero turned into a one. Time has certainly flown right from underneath my nose. This is the time for change and exploring of my soul. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who support and given me encouragement. I also love everyone of them who have brought me back down to reality when needed. Which tends to be quite often. There is so much out in the world I want to grasp with my own two hands. The only thing is, is that I ONLY have two hands. I've noticed lately about myself that I tend to always just settle for things in my world. So that's my problem, just settling when I know I can do better or make it better. My hearts desire is something I need to pay more attention to and carefully observe as well. I always wear my heart on my sleeve and somehow wish that I can be more discrete or speak up. Last month my aunt told me this phrase, "work hard then you can play hard". Another phrase that I have been dwelling on was by my manager/big bro, "just do it, like nike. Just do it!" Lastly, this is something that when ever I have a stop in the road and I'm stuck it boils down to this, "What is it that you want?". All three of these quotes are what I try to keep in mind to guide me to my future. For right now I'll just end it here cause there is just nothing left to say. This entire blog was box full of random thoughts. I hate journals but this will have to do. I love that i can just spill everything out here. "20 is out, and let 21 begin."