OHANA

"ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten."

I am very odd when it comes to using the word Family. This weekend my Uncle John, who is my Dad's younger brother, gave us a ring wanting to catch up. I had work by the time he arrived and thought by the time my shift ended my Uncle would have already left. To my surprise, well actually I should have known, that he was there from lunch to dinner. Long story short, he was conversing with my mother in the kitchen talking about family. He stated how he wished he had a smaller family. I was so shocked to hear this because I have always wanted to be apart of a big family tree. Looking back at the way my Dad's side of the family is, I can understand why my Uncle said what he said. My Uncle is one of 5 kids (one out of 7 including his parents), lived under my grandparent's roof until my grandma passed away a few years ago, and has two sisters that are pretty bossy at him cause they think he doesn't know what's best for him. He also had cancer as a little kid. I think due to this my grandma became really protective with him, that he turned out to be so dependent on her. Now that she is gone, man did it turn my uncles world upside down. It torn my hear apart to hear some of the negative comments he had to say and what kind of year he's had. I never knew that my grandpa was well favored over my grandma in the Chow family. Hearing all the things he had to say and I guess was his way to "vent" my image of my dad's family is so jacked up. I'm not blaming him at all, it is just that he is showing us his side since no one listens to him. 

Continuing on with the topic of family (I am switching over to what I originally wanted to discuss). I have noticed for the past x amount of years that when it comes to family I lean heavily on with friendship rather than my actual immediate members. I tend to put my friends before my family a lot. Dwelling back on the past and my parents divorce, I think it sort of screwed up my sister, brother, and myself pretty heavily. Though it was such a nasty part of our lives the outcome of it was wonderful. We have a very loving step-father, which technically and sadly has been more of a real father figure, beautiful little sisters and brother, and a younger step-sister which i don't like to call her step but just sister. I will always love my dad and he will always be my dad, but text messages are no way to get your children back. 

Anyways, blah blah blah, I always go to my close friends for a bunch of things. I think that's why I can hang out with my even closer set of friends so much. I mean to the point were I even eat dinners with their family here and there and even at times attend their family functions. I do this cause I can't seem to open up to my own family for the most part. My big sister moved to San Diego as soon as she graduated college. Even then she moved out of the house when she graduated high school. We use to be close but for the most part of growing up from teens to even growing into my adulthood she is still absent. My brother and I have never been close. I wish that the three of us can go back and have a much stronger bond. I look at my friends and their relationship with their siblings, at times i am jealous that they still have that bond I just don't have. 

Another new thought, i wonder if my best pals ever think it's weird that I am the first one to say, "i love you" or just express love to them in any way. I only say it to a very small amount just cause i truly mean it. I think when my friends disappoint me in any way i let it slip or I'm able to brush it off easily. When it comes to family it has a much deeper cut. I feel like i need therapy for certain parts of memories with my family cause i know that it will always be difficult to move on from those memories. 2006 was the year i graduated. My high school graduation goes along with the memories of a sweet 16, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, college graduation, wedding day, first child etc. The day I graduated I wanted all my family to be there to cheer me on and see me accept my diploma. Dad said he was sick and never showed up, it was nice to have my uncle, aunt, and cousins to help with selling stupid water, but I thought the whole point of their trip was to see me graduate(yeah they didn't stay to watch the ceremony), everyone on my dad's side was way to far. That day was bittersweet. I can't seem to let it go. 

I have quite a bit of issues when it comes to family, but i mean who doesn't? This blog can go on forever but it is repetitive and I keep steering from what i wanted to say. it's late. 

it's what I want.

I love driving. period. It's probably a good thing that I have such an old car (I love chief aka my jeep) cause I like to drive "fast". =) But then again Chief has been an awesome tank. 

Going off on a tangent right now...

In conclusion I now have to "make my bed, and sleep in it." Learning from mistakes could not be any better for me right now. Oh I take that as a positive statement. In the end I tend to look back at past events, decisions, actions, and chuckle. Everything I've done is such a learning experience. It also turns into a domino effect too. I'm going to do things that are best for me. All these little events that happen, I have a habit of making it seem like it's a big deal. I'm just so darn sensitive. I'm trying to learn and soak up many things in my life time. I want to become a more intelligent lady. I want to make a difference in my life. I want to make things count. I want, I want, I want... I AM going to do it. =)

Another random section...

So I can't wait for next semester. Why? Well more peeps that I know are shifting gears to attend CSUF. How awesome is that! My personality is so "outgoing" and friendly. Why not use that to my advantage and make new friends. People who have stories instantly catch my attention. Even passionate people are what I am heavily drawn too. I'm trying to also say a hello to those I use to be friends with, may had a class, or recognize. I'm just trying to be a more warming person and not have that "bitchy" first impression that some have said in the past about me. I'm doing this for me.

Master of Disguise

I recently came to realize that these past two years my life is split into two identities. No I'm not being fake towards people, it just mainly has to do with the folks at home. It has turned into this bad habit of mine. I tell my parents I am doing one thing just cause I know that what I'm actually doing will not pass their evaluation. I have started this trend a while ago out of desperation. My parents (mom and step-dad) have no clue of all the raves I've attended, the 24 hour mini road trip to Santa Barbara for Halloween last year, all the times I said, "oh dad called me to help out with the kids" I was out in LA. clubbing. I have been also abusing the, "I'm at school studying or I have group projects this week" to simply stay out of the house for a hangout. It drives my off the wall having to ASK my parents for permission to go out. Seriously it is like pulling a bunch of teeth out to leave the house. I made an attempt to at least tell rather than ask my parents on what i am doing. That all just backfires 99.9% of the time. This habit doesn't seem to be vanishing anytime soon with my conservative parents having me on a leash. How sad is the thought of the only way there can be truly peace with my mom and I, is if I were to move out. 21 still feels like 16. 

21

It as almost been a month since that zero turned into a one. Time has certainly flown right from underneath my nose. This is the time for change and exploring of my soul. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who support and given me encouragement. I also love everyone of them who have brought me back down to reality when needed. Which tends to be quite often. There is so much out in the world I want to grasp with my own two hands. The only thing is, is that I ONLY have two hands. I've noticed lately about myself that I tend to always just settle for things in my world. So that's my problem, just settling when I know I can do better or make it better. My hearts desire is something I need to pay more attention to and carefully observe as well. I always wear my heart on my sleeve and somehow wish that I can be more discrete or speak up. Last month my aunt told me this phrase, "work hard then you can play hard". Another phrase that I have been dwelling on was by my manager/big bro, "just do it, like nike. Just do it!" Lastly, this is something that when ever I have a stop in the road and I'm stuck it boils down to this, "What is it that you want?". All three of these quotes are what I try to keep in mind to guide me to my future. For right now I'll just end it here cause there is just nothing left to say. This entire blog was box full of random thoughts. I hate journals but this will have to do. I love that i can just spill everything out here. "20 is out, and let 21 begin."