"ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten."
I am very odd when it comes to using the word Family. This weekend my Uncle John, who is my Dad's younger brother, gave us a ring wanting to catch up. I had work by the time he arrived and thought by the time my shift ended my Uncle would have already left. To my surprise, well actually I should have known, that he was there from lunch to dinner. Long story short, he was conversing with my mother in the kitchen talking about family. He stated how he wished he had a smaller family. I was so shocked to hear this because I have always wanted to be apart of a big family tree. Looking back at the way my Dad's side of the family is, I can understand why my Uncle said what he said. My Uncle is one of 5 kids (one out of 7 including his parents), lived under my grandparent's roof until my grandma passed away a few years ago, and has two sisters that are pretty bossy at him cause they think he doesn't know what's best for him. He also had cancer as a little kid. I think due to this my grandma became really protective with him, that he turned out to be so dependent on her. Now that she is gone, man did it turn my uncles world upside down. It torn my hear apart to hear some of the negative comments he had to say and what kind of year he's had. I never knew that my grandpa was well favored over my grandma in the Chow family. Hearing all the things he had to say and I guess was his way to "vent" my image of my dad's family is so jacked up. I'm not blaming him at all, it is just that he is showing us his side since no one listens to him.
Continuing on with the topic of family (I am switching over to what I originally wanted to discuss). I have noticed for the past x amount of years that when it comes to family I lean heavily on with friendship rather than my actual immediate members. I tend to put my friends before my family a lot. Dwelling back on the past and my parents divorce, I think it sort of screwed up my sister, brother, and myself pretty heavily. Though it was such a nasty part of our lives the outcome of it was wonderful. We have a very loving step-father, which technically and sadly has been more of a real father figure, beautiful little sisters and brother, and a younger step-sister which i don't like to call her step but just sister. I will always love my dad and he will always be my dad, but text messages are no way to get your children back.
Anyways, blah blah blah, I always go to my close friends for a bunch of things. I think that's why I can hang out with my even closer set of friends so much. I mean to the point were I even eat dinners with their family here and there and even at times attend their family functions. I do this cause I can't seem to open up to my own family for the most part. My big sister moved to San Diego as soon as she graduated college. Even then she moved out of the house when she graduated high school. We use to be close but for the most part of growing up from teens to even growing into my adulthood she is still absent. My brother and I have never been close. I wish that the three of us can go back and have a much stronger bond. I look at my friends and their relationship with their siblings, at times i am jealous that they still have that bond I just don't have.
Another new thought, i wonder if my best pals ever think it's weird that I am the first one to say, "i love you" or just express love to them in any way. I only say it to a very small amount just cause i truly mean it. I think when my friends disappoint me in any way i let it slip or I'm able to brush it off easily. When it comes to family it has a much deeper cut. I feel like i need therapy for certain parts of memories with my family cause i know that it will always be difficult to move on from those memories. 2006 was the year i graduated. My high school graduation goes along with the memories of a sweet 16, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, college graduation, wedding day, first child etc. The day I graduated I wanted all my family to be there to cheer me on and see me accept my diploma. Dad said he was sick and never showed up, it was nice to have my uncle, aunt, and cousins to help with selling stupid water, but I thought the whole point of their trip was to see me graduate(yeah they didn't stay to watch the ceremony), everyone on my dad's side was way to far. That day was bittersweet. I can't seem to let it go.
I have quite a bit of issues when it comes to family, but i mean who doesn't? This blog can go on forever but it is repetitive and I keep steering from what i wanted to say. it's late.
